Physiological Shit

 In one of my therapy sessions, I said I don't like change .. it makes me feel uncomfortable and overwhelmed like there are a million things I need to handle and I am overloaded.. later this sentence was what I think makes me a perfect candidate for group therapy that aims to help people regulate their emotions by being more mindful and present in the moment. But How are those related together? How can we relate people who don't like change to people who can not regulate their emotions? In my perspective that came just from experience living my life and that may be wrong so take it with caution, it might not be causation but there is a high correlation here.  From my experience, I did have two people fighting in my brain one of them said: I CAN NOT STAND CHANGE and the other replied I WANT TO GROW OUT OF HERE GROW MEANS CHANGE! and that's where my journey starts I used to hate to change because it makes me feel weak and unwise.. and when I feel these two I also feel ashamed...

I’ve been living in hell lately. The kind of hell that makes me wonder if maybe I’ve been here so long, I got used to it — maybe even afraid of what a calm life would feel like. But going back to hell reminds me: no, I don’t like it here. Not even a little. And yes, this blog was probably born from my time here. But years ago, I made a decision: if I have to choose between being productive, creative, and miserable or unproductive and happy — I’ll take happy every single time. Productivity means nothing if it costs me my life. Of course, I’m human. I love being noticed, I love when people admire what I create. It feeds my ego — an ego that never seems full. But still, I learned to love myself more than I love that praise. When I was younger, I was good at all kinds of art. But I noticed my best work came from my worst moods. Violent mood swings, emotional chaos. And I thought: if success means being miserable, I’ll pass. I walked away from art as a career and made it a hobby instead...