Change OR Grow (1)

 In one of my therapy sessions, I said I don't like change .. it makes me feel uncomfortable and overwhelmed like there are a million things I need to handle and I am overloaded..

later this sentence was what I think makes me a perfect candidate for group therapy that aims to help people regulate their emotions by being more mindful and present in the moment.

But How are those related together? How can we relate people who don't like change to people who can not regulate their emotions?

In my perspective that came just from experience living my life and that may be wrong so take it with caution, it might not be causation but there is a high correlation here. 

From my experience, I did have two people fighting in my brain one of them said: I CAN NOT STAND CHANGE

and the other replied I WANT TO GROW OUT OF HERE GROW MEANS CHANGE!

and that's where my journey starts I used to hate to change because it makes me feel weak and unwise.. and when I feel these two I also feel ashamed of myself why I am doing these mistakes? every person got it except for me.. why i am being so stupid the answer is right there in front of me..

I could not just accept the fact that doing mistakes is part of the process to learn and grow and because the brain generalizes most of ideas I used to think in my own feeling the same way..

Why I am feeling so Sad everyone experienced something similar but I am the only one crying and can not get out of bed .. Why I am so weak like this ..

I was judging myself in my words instead of saying I feel things so deep I can not bear it I just called it weakness.

I did not know back then that fighting my feelings actually makes them stronger and the more I told myself why are you so sad about this the more I become sadder.. 

I could not just flow with the change happening inside me from being peaceful and calm to nervous or angry or sad 

Actually, with me, it was worse, I could not handle emotions even the light happy ones cause I could not handle those severe changes in my inner world 

During the group and after i practiced mindfulness for a while I experienced something that made me feel so connected, that day music hits differently in my mind and I was so overwhelmed I could not stay in my room despite being late at night, I walked down the streets and I was followed by two strange men that I could detect they are following me but I was overwhelmed i could not feel fear!

and that's when I felt it .. Trees are so adorable I stopped walking and started to try to touch the trees and I bet i looked weird enough that the two men actually ran away!

I later descriped that to one of my friends who used to take drugs he could not believe that my system was empty that night!

and when I talked to my therapist about it he said you were not connected to trees you were connected to yourself and that's a beautiful experience not a lot of people got to experience, not on their own at least!

feeling things differently, tasting more of what people normally taste Regarding human emotions No wonder i could not regulate all of that. 

I can not remember this incident but it is really popular in my family they said when I was really young I saw my dad hitting my brother so I ran into my room and refused to talk to him for a whole week every time he entered the house I hide in my room or any other place that makes me unreachable.

I can not imagine what I was feeling back then but I am sure it was a terrifying and unforgettable thing for me to see someone causing another person pain like that.. another person was literally my world cause back then i did not know any human being except for my brother.. 

My dad never hits me because of that incident, he only can predict that if he does I may never speak to him again and I guess he was right

So growing up having this in mind. why I am so sensitive? why I can not cope with what is happening around me? why it is so hard to accept it?

So My feeling was mostly a strong waterfall and what I was trying to do is stop this waterfall from touching the ground..

Impossible Mission right?

Yes, But I was not able to see that back then. it was as simple as this is hurting I don't want to get hurt so let's get distracted instead here comes the growing I find some relief in arts naturally .. colors .. painting.. that was my distraction beautiful right?

yes maybe, Drawing was my first love I enjoyed the time passing while I am playing with my papers and colors and making beautiful stuff I later show to my dad when he comes back home..

and that's when I first discovered maths! 

I used to say I falled in in love with maths with my brain, not my heart I walked into this love hoping it would save me from the mess in my inner world. Now I can see more clearly I remember when I first noticed that maths is a world I want to enter in a maths class I was daydreaming as usual when I heard the teacher saying so no one knows the answer? I was bored with nothing interesting in my mind So I decided to actually read the problem and because i got too excited thinking about it.. i immediately said the answer before I know I was talking out loud..

that's when I realized that I was the only one seeing it this obvious and that there were around 10 minutes of silence before I talked.. 

and it hits me .. time was long and boring, maths makes time runs faster I could spend hours here and it would feel like minutes or shorter I love that.. 

But In order to live here I need to sacrifice some of the time I spend with colors and I love my paintings too

that was my first change in priorities I can remember I said ok why not both? painting is beautiful and maths is making time shorter so we do that and that and we got a perfect life!!

what i was doing was growing out of my first comfort zone, maths was not comforting i did not know what to do with it how i spend more time here, till that age the maths was not that complicated so I was not spending any time thinking in it so i had to do some exploration .. with the help of my teachers they guided me into higher levels of maths levels i can find interesting

But again I hit a wall of fear of change, self doubts, and every other obstacles each time I had difficulty figuring out something i was doubting my own brain saying may be that's not for us we were more comfortable drawing stuff..

and I was right it is not comfortable to be out of my comfortzone but it gave me the most beautiful world I ever seen it introduces me to physics then programming then Artificial Intelligence and I am not sure what my life would be like if I didn't take this step out of comfortzone, and explore that world.

So I have two voices one say change makes you feel stupid, uncomfortable and overwhelmed and the other say but it introduce you to beautiful stuff you need change you love growing, you get bored quickly fuckin idiot! we have no other choice here!!

So I sacrifice my comfort a little bit when my therapist said this group will help you better regulate your emotions and i was like are you kidding me bunch of people talking Chinese lets GOOO

Note
Talking Chinese is how I refer to people with similar experiences as mine because I always felt like I am talking in another language even when I am communicating in the same language everyone else use.

So, I joined the group, I joined the change.. and As I mentioned earlier it made me ready to experience one of the most beautiful experiences in my entire life getting to know myself better, feeling connected to my body, and open my heart to feel the world around me.

day after day I stopped fighting my feelings, I accepted it I accepted all these tears and all this pain I let it go through me instead of trying so hard to run away from it. 

and with the right help from my therapist and the group I was able to see my blind spots the ones that looks too obvious to them but not to me, the shame, the guilt, my deepest believes about myself that was hurting me and the people around me, it makes perfect sense and it explain it all, hell how I could not see that!

I needed someone to point at it saying hi you got this look here, Use this light, yes .. that's perfect Can you see it now? Do you know who told you this? why it is so hard to change this idea? Why are you fighting this so much? Why are you afraid of change?! Why do you run from your own feelings?

There is some piece of shit here Are you aware of it? Do you know your boundaries? Do you know other's boundaries? Can you tell the difference between reality and the reality inside your brain? Can you walk through this with me? Can you actually feel my presence through exploring my thoughts I am communicating in clear descriptive language.. with no assumptions .. with no judges.. Can you see me?

Come here we will take care of you.. yes, you need to learn this, Also try that.. do this.. I know it does not make sense now but it will soon, I know it is hard but I promise it is worth ..

I was doing my assignments exploring the world around me when I suddenly realized I am just exploring myself through the world around me .. and I grow enough that for the first time in my entire life, I actually felt seen by another human being!