Good girl Bad Girl perspective

I have been living in hell lately.. hell that I have to admit I don't like very much and that definitely declines my doubts that I may be lived in hell for so long that I am used to it and afraid to live a calm life.

But going back to hell makes me realize that I don't like it even though I know it is probably one of the reasons why I created this blog in the first place, I made my mind a long time ago if I am choosing between becoming productive creative and miserable or unproductive and happy I will for sure go with the second choice I lived in hell for so many years to spend another minute there and productiveness means nothing if I put it in comparison with  being happy and live my life

Of course, I am like any other human being I love being noticed love my products, and love my pieces or literally anything I make it makes me feel worthy and noticeable and it satisfies my ego that does not seem to get enough no matter what I gave him

But at the end of the day, I learned to love myself more, I had to make a very hard decision when I was younger because I was flourishing in arts all kinds of them but I noticed that the most beautiful thing that came out of my hand is when I am in a violent mode swing I don't know if that's true for other artists too and I was too young to search for that so I chose myself, to leave arts and make it a hoppy instead of trying to make money out of it cause this money will not make me happy and the way I saw it back then is "In order to be successful I need to miserable."

looking there again as an adult I think I am choosing myself again every time I face the idea of a good girl do that.

Good girl stands with her father in his deathbed

Good girl stands for her friends and helps them

Good girl stands for her loved one and accepts him

Well I don't like that shit

Cuase people are not aware that these rules are not absolute or maybe it is me thinking they are not aware?

So regarding the first rule, I have been there for dad as much as I can despite being so triggering for me, and of course, because he is him and it is part of him to want to control me, to be fair not just me it is everyone he yelled at me for something while I was trying to give him his meds he said who are you to know anything when I say something you should just listen and I said ok that's enough you have been yelling at us all the day for meds, I am giving you your meds and you are refusing to take it.

So I basically yelled at my dying dad who is not really so conscious So, I yelled at his unconscious part that sees us all as people who would hurt him because he sees himself so weak.

Breaking the first rule..

Regarding my friends I have been sleeping next to my best friend for like 2 months I am a very introvert person with limited energy to be around people or sleep beside them no matter how much I love them so I made myself another bed to solve the sleeping problem and everyone was like invite her in and I was like No I can not afford to invite her in I want that so badly because I love her but that would require me to sacrifice me time and I love my me time so no I will keep hosting her as a temporary thing so I could keep loving myself in this relationship

Breaking the second rule..

Lately, I have been living a situation with my boyfriend who also happened to be my best friend for three years not the best I had of course but the most reliable one I can call him at Mars and he would  find a way to come to me no matter where I am

When I disappear he asks about me but not too much cause he is introvert too I like that about him

And he heard me for 12 hours when I broke up with my fiance 6 out of them I was just crying with no meaningful words

I can see through people so I could see through him and I told him that I am worried that he has an avoidance mechanism that would hurt me

And he raised a good point that made me think for a while he said you can not ask me to change for potential harm as long as you are not hurt it means I am managing it well

I was not convinced with the last part but the first was so convincing so I left him alone or at least that's what I thought I was doing 

Of course, the avoidance was getting into me, cause when you spend time with people you mirror their mechanisms that's what is so hard about relationships it literally changes who you are

So I was hurt by his little moves that came out of avoidance like giving me an appointment and be later for hours or not coming at all and Also gained some bad habits but I saw it as an opportunity to save my values instead of asking people to defend them, to be more aware of the effect of this relationship on me

And in this hell of my dying dad, he abandoned me first emotionally, then physically so I had a fight with him and said well your avoidance mechanism is hurting me now!!!

I became an emotional responsibility and he avoid that his words "of Course I avoid emotional responsibility this part of me was obvious ever since we were friends."

I am not sure what is the goal of having an emotional relationship with someone if you would avoid emotional attachment and emotional responsibility and any emotional kind of stuff except for some moments when you are in low defenses

What is the point of having a relationship where you don't open up to the other person and always feel like you need to protect yourself from them?

and if someone knows about himself that he avoids emotional responsibility why seek love in the first place!

I guess loneliness makes us fools right? But I guess what he was missing and I was not able to see it too till someone pointed it is back then when we were friends I was not emotional responsibility at all So he was not avoiding me he was there.

and that the more this relationship becomes deeper the more his brain will tell him to run, and he is not doing anything to fight back so he would just run and be angry at the world that does not give him what he wants to love with no responsibility, he does not want to fall for his mind games so he avoids all emotional stuff and makes himself weak against his mind games cause he can't see nor stop them.

It is not just him I saw many people with the same pattern, But I really love myself So I said either you learn how to communicate properly with another human being or you leave.

To him, it would always be my girlfriend who was so selfish because she did not accept me abandoning her in her situation with a very good excuse "I don't know how." She did not accept me the way I am selfish childish 28 years old man who is not just afraid of all kinds of responsibilities but also ok with that.

Breaking the third rule.. 

So What I am saying here? me that was always repeating rules is there for a reason am I encouraging people to break rules? 

I am not sure may I am encouraging them to break fantasies to think on their own even in rules that look very beneficial like people need to be good supportive and caring to each other, Ok define good here because it is a mysterious word that people understand differently does good here means put everyone first before yourself? Do you have to sacrifice everything to be a good person 

and Let's say you were somekind of angel who sacrifice everything and does not care about his inner world enought to heal.. So in your imagination you are a good person who put people first and sacrifice alot but in reality you are a person with no boundaries who is not healing from his injuries and does not take care of himself and that simply mean you are a living weapon just waiting to be triggered and you would hurt everyone around you cause when you are triggered you are in so much pain you can not emapthize  or see the other people point 

at some situations it might even be the other thing you are not healing but you do what you think is taking care of yourself by controlling the world around you that what every narcisist do except they don't know they are doing that they think in themselves as a very weak person and they are trying to protect that weak person by what? exactly by controlling other people around them they don't have sense of boundaries too but not just their own boundaries they don't have sense of the other person boundaries in a relationship 

they can make a lot of rules don't do that and do that and every person is allowed to make his own rules right but if your rules are hi you need to accept me hurting you because i don't believe i can change this abusive behaviour because i think of myself as a very weak person then ok this is indicator for a problem

ok does it mean that if I am not healing and want to control the world around me and see it as my right and get angry everytime that does not happen I am a narcissist ?

well I always said that you should not be diagnosed outside a medical institution so even doctors will not be able to tell you, that it is not a 1 or 0 decision yes wanting to control the world around you is indicator that there is something wrong with you but only a doctor can tell what is wrong here and he need to hear the full story.

So, No I am not agreeing to walk out and say hi you are a narcissist i have your profile because even people who do have your profile will usually find it hard to diagnose you just because you show some indications.

But one thing that came into my mind now is when i first got into therapy and my doctor talk to me about myself esteem indicating that i might be seeing myself less, I said I am not sure if this can be true because I feel like I could be narcisist but not self hater i love myself so much I have done a lot of things for me I don't think I am not worthy 

He replied ok I think what you are talking about is a self esteem and it was the first time i heard this word self esteem i said ok talk more please, He continued a narcissist would never be here telling me there is something wrong with him a narcissist does not believe that there is something wrong with him he can't see that, he would instead have a deep believe that there is something wrong with the world around him 

all people are wrong and he is right. 

and I looked into my inner world ok sometimes I believe that people are wrong but with evidence it is not that i beleieve something is wrong with the world I think i always know it is me who can not fit in this world so I tried to create myself a bubble from another world that i can fit in it smoothly of course I had to learn some techniques to be able to detect when it is me who is the problem and when it is the other person cause unfortunately people does not have sign telling me whether they belong to my world or not and if it is the other person how can I be able to set my boundaries and leave with the minimum harm and it managed to pay me back later when i did find my people and felt safe between them may be for the first time in my life.

So Good, Bad it is all kind of shit it is a great game from balancing between what you can change and what you can not what you can accept and what you need to walk away from it. Don't let Good or bad get into you, It is just not that simple.