Living Another Year

 So, It is this time of the year when I write shit about myself ..

I usually do it in a more in a happy mode but this year I am really sad writing this 

But people need some tradition that makes them feel connected and my own tradition is to take a step back each year and give it a deep look 

It helps me realize where I am standing from my goals, Am I living my life or just letting the days pass day after day not noticing that it is my life being wasted for nothing

I seem like a very active person so it is hard to believe that I do that but I did that.. I spend years waiting for my life to end naturally not wanting to live it feeling like every decision I take is not mine and that I don’t own my own life

Till I discovered I had tumors and death might be looking at me right now, making fun of my miserable defense mechanism of not living the way I want to and not getting attached so I don’t have to have any fights

And when I realized what is happening I decided to make it different and it took me a really long time till I show up years later saying no to a lot of stuff that I was accepting because.. Well, I am waiting for death anyway so why bother?

I didn’t even realize what I was doing till this year, till I had clear head to think about my past to actually question myself and find out some of my motivations 

So where I am standing right now?

I am in deep pain, pain that is so big continuous crying only hurting my eyes and not expressing a shallow thing of what I am actually experiencing inside my head

This kind of pain seems like It would go on forever.

However, I know that it is only temporary..

It is not only my dad is  dying it is also that I never had a chance to build a relationship with him, All I have from him is some discussions about my ex-fiance and why I choosed him then I choosed to let it go

And what hurts me more is that during those discussions I could see that he is really trying like hell to understand me and that from his point of view this is just too complicated and he does not know how I get there so he is shocked 

During these discussions, I said I have no parents and you and mom are alive but I never felt like you love me or like you are willing to support any of my decision I always felt left alone.

And he replied you know I love you right?

And I would never forget the words that went out of my mouth because it was so honest and for once in this relationship, I cared only about my hurt feeling not about what he would feel.

I said no dad I don’t know you love me, you never told me that nor show any kind of emotional support, it was always you want stuff from me that I don’t have or can not give it was always you want me to be different it was always about you and what you want when it was supposed to be about me and what I want.

And of course i got the normal response I am your dad of course I love and support you 

And for a few months I actually was talking to him about my life well, part of it at least the part i know he would be able to understand 

So for a few months I know what my relationship with dad could be if we were in a different location of the world if we were not in a small village with everyone around him telling and encouraging him to break me to fix me..

I saw a scene of what my father could be then he got sick and lost the capacity to change, lose the capacity to be my dad he went back to the same old patterns cause he felt so vulnerable and weak 

And I could not give him the support I would give to my people I gave him what I can without losing myself 

I was there only when it is very necessary when he really needs me cause otherwise, he would apply the same old selfish patterns that put his life and needs over my life and need unapologetically

And I know that cause I actually tried.  

He keeps blackmailing me emotionally to get the support he needs and I kept trying to save my own ass from this fight ..

I did myself a favor saving myself from that getting the support I need from people who could actually give it to me and I understood why my issues started in the first place, in a world with people that only care about themselves and their needs you need to stay alert all the time or you might actually die in the middle of the process 

That’s what was happening to me I was actually dying(becoming more sick for 4 years) and he just stood there waiting for it to happen so I had to be the one saving my own health at a very young age..

I have great empathy for him for trying to change even if it was for a few months cause right now that’s all i have 

That’s all I know about actually having a dad not some kind of narcissist who cares about absolutely nothing but what he wants and what he needs.

He decided to change cause my mom cut her relationship with me I did not try to fix it I let it happen 

So she knew me better I guess?

She warned him before that if he keeps acting like this I will go away and will not bother to look back 

She just forget to give herself the same warning

So I had to take some tough decisions, it was not easy to put myself first. 

It was not easy to acknowledge my pain loudly to actually go through it and see that it ends somewhere.. Somehow.. It starts very loud and very overwhelming but I was lucky enough to have a great therapist and a great support system that gave me the right tools to went through this 

And like my therapist said the only way out is through..

So I went through the pain with an idea I get from someone I used to know that eventually, I will feel calm I will find peace and I will manage myself better,

And that’s what actually happened I was able to manage myself better to feel supported and connected again to actually feel the love I was getting from people around me and was not having the ability to feel it cause I was in so much pain I build so many walls.

Later I discovered that it was all fake from this person he did not get peace or anything he just fake it too well that I was actually convinced ..

Now I see that he is not at peace he can not feel loved and he can not probably love too, I don’t know if he would ever step up for himself and change his story but I wish he would

Cause this lie was so beautiful it gets me out of my own misery I was moving towards this goal that he lied about having.. Maybe unconsciously..

Maybe if I did not actually believe that there was peace out there I would never move toward it because how would I know?

So I appreciate that lie.. It was effective even if it was not completely true..

Cause what I have right now I could not in my best behavior and in my best moments imagined i could ever have..

I am in So much pain So much that nothing and I really mean it nothing I know can express it ..

Yet, I am not overwhelmed .. I am not under the rocks, I am functioning and I am here in the present moment ..  using the support to actually make it hurt less.. 

I used to be a person who could easily be overwhelmed by a very trivial stuff like crowds or loud people and now

My brain feels pain everywhere but I could actually see some peace in it like a small light giving me some hope that I would be ok I would walk through this on my feet it will not crush me I can contain it..

I could not think it was possible to feel that and I would be always grateful for this my entire life.. Cause now I still want to live but I crushed my fear of being in death bed with a very anxious mind that can not find peace because he never experience it

The living hell my dad is currently experiencing right now  and I hope from my heart that no one had to experience that ever again 

And I hope I don’t get to experience or watch it ever happening again to anybody..

That everyone's last moments on earth would be peaceful in their own brains .. 

That they could find some peace living on this earth and they could find peace leaving it 

I feel light I can walk with this, It is not as heavy as it used to be.. It is not as scary as it used to be.. It is just manageable and I am forever grateful for this experience 

Grateful for myself for having enough patience to know what comes after the pain 

To do what I knew I had to do even when every part of me is ordering me to let go .. to surrender .. to just accept that there is no peace I am messed up and I would always live like this 

To believe in me and to believe that I can make it, it is not impossible it is just hard and it is worth it cause walking lightly gives you the ability to run.. To enjoy .. to be happy and to feel connected .. to not lock yourself in a cage.. To be alone.. But not lonely.. To not spend your life escaping and skipping stuff to actually live stuff and actually feel it.

I am so grateful for my journey in finding my own peace this year cause how the hell would I survive what is happening right now with my dad if I did not have these tools 

If I can not feel loved or accepted and feel supported if I can not open up and be vulnerable..

I don’t imagine the  other version of me went through this she would be crushed or worse she would become an abusive person 

Because if you can’t have peace you will hurt people around you there are no other options no matter how shallow your relationships are you would always have a pattern that can hurt them and you would not feel the pain cause you are in so much pain you have no capacity for empathy

You would be a living monster with a pathetic life, It is sad and hard that there is no other way it is either you actually move towards healing or you hurt people around you.

I am glad I could find some peace and I am glad I could minimize the hurt I am causing to people around me 

Grateful and proud to love again and to have my heart broken again and to have the ability to go through this pain smoothly, Then, in a short amount of time be able to love again 

To actually feel connected to my body and to love and respect myself so much I am not allowing people to hurt me anymore like I used to have in my parent's home

I am not allowing people to use me as their anger pillow I am not allowing toxicity to go through me. you either have your boundaries and show some respect to mine or you are out.

I owe myself this, I owe myself to get out of my survival mode and actually experience life, experience love, experience happiness, experience joy, experience anger, experience sadness, and most important thing experience Peace..

They used to call me a fighter and I am, this year I gained the wisdom of letting some fights go because they are not mine..

If you are not willing to fight for yourself peace, live with that it is not my responsibility to fight for you when you are not willing to fight for yourself.

And Finally,

God Please give me the ability to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference.