Change or Grow (2)

I meet one of my old friends we have not been talking for 2 years or something

we talked for a while then he said you are a very successful person, and that's when the story started in my head because I didn't feel happy or grateful for this sentence if anything his words made me feel completely empty.. 

In fact, After pushing myself to think about it for a while I even cried not a tear or two like 1 hour of crying.

I know the person and trust that he is saying what he truly believes so it is not about him, it is about me I simply don't believe that!

I feel unstimulated and crave learning all the time and most of the time I feel unmotivated too.

But why?

I am working at a good company with a good team and pursuing my master's, I am even dancing and writing and exploring the world. what makes me think of myself as a person who is just here to die.

for the last couple of years, I have been doing my job attending my therapy and letting my brain grow mentally, but I have not really been learning anything in the field I am interested in the most.

So I have been learning stuff and I like learning in general but it was not what I want to learn.

For my brain, as far as he can tell we are just spending nice time not planning for the future or learning anything we want to actually use in our career path.

Spending time is good, and Comfort Zone is great for some time, Specially since I needed some time for my brain to learn how to feel safe again, But staying there is deadly for some people.. and I am one of those.

It was time to change and I missed seeing it till someone pointed it out, 

I started doing my pros and cons list, Discussing with people why I should stay or leave my job

So As I usually do when I want to change something in my life I just change my routine 

But in order to change your routine you need to understand why you are having it in the first place 

So Why I am doing what I do right now?

Cause there was a time when I needed a job badly I did not have the luxury of following my passion I just needed a job who is related to my passion 

So do I still need to do that?

Not really now that i am in a more stable place mentally I can start looking for a more relatable job

but why I am still not getting a step closer to what I want to do?

think brain think.. 

oh I think that's it. I am not getting any closer to where I want to be because of mainly three reasons 

- I am too busy doing stuff I don't really like that much but I don't hate either that literally leaves no time for me to actually do what I want to do.

- I don't have a clear idea about what I want to do I mean Knowing that you love taking insights from data is a very general idea after all being a data scientist is a tool that needs some context 

data scientist in the field of healthcare. business.. security.. mental health.. physics something that you can make that data useful in it.

- When I like something I don't validate this very quickly I question myself a lot do you really like it or it is just a phase and how can we tell?

that last reason is actually the worst one because it leaves me with nothing not even trying, I think what I am missing here is that even if it is a phase how could I tell if I never try?

It is not like there is a book that can tell me what I want to do in my life there is no such guideline for that and I know that I can not live a life where I am only doing what I am supposed to do I need some space to breathe through it and that means doing something I really want to do 

When first choosing my career, it was not easy. it was something way away from my study but I did it just because I liked it and because I know that any career I would choose I would have to spend a long time in it every day and a long time ago I decided that my life is not about any kind of goals it is what I am doing every day that counts.

and for a reasonable time, I have been following that strategy but lately, I have not been paying attention to my strategy in watching my everyday routine very much 

I realized that I am living exactly this sentence 

"If you are spending more time doing stuff you don't like it means you don't have time to do what you actually like"

that's why I am feeling empty because deep inside I am empty if nothing is touching your heart you kind of feel disconnected..

No need to do what you have to do all the time I know you are responsible and everything, but you can sometimes consider the probability of doing what you want to do instead. 

and I am not talking dreamily here, I am not saying hi leave your job build your dam thing I am not even sure I want to build my own thing if anything I want to explore how the world works 

through exploring myself and exploring the world itself

 

and yes we are adults now we need to be realistic but I think that part of being realistic is paying attention to what you really want or at least investing time in how you are going to discover that

because let's face it we need money to live money means work, and work means 40 h a week if you are lucky. more or less according to your luck these days 

So 40 h a week doing something you hate can kill you and I am not talking about just mental health it can affect your physical health too especially if you had no other plans to satisfy your need to live.

but 40 h a week in nowhere? without a plan to escape that nowhere? sounds like a bad plan right?

yes but we all fall for it easily because life is hard and people are afraid of their own dreams 

that is something I discovered during the journey too, we are not just afraid of failure we are also afraid of success,  Apparently, change is stressful for the brain whether it is a good one or a bad one. 

So what if you actually approach your dreams and succeeded in pursuing them what if that is not enough what if you discovered that you are still not fulfilled and you gonna be miserable after all this effort.

deep inside I have this belief that I was meant to be miserable because of how different I am and part of me is acting according to this prophecy

I am writing these words right now and part of me knows that I need to move a bit.. to change to have some new routines to say goodbye to some old habits and welcome new ones.. to actually not betray me and just let it be.

Yes it is hard and my dreams are complicated I kind of wish it was more simple but it is not I need to admit that.. it needs a lot of work and it is going to consume a lot of time and it is ok because that time I actually enjoy not all the time of course during the process

 I will fail that's inevitable

 I will get rejected

I will feel stupid and question myself thousands of times so it has to be for something I really want.

so that even if it leads me to absolutely nothing it still counts. and the other option is also hard it leaves me empty with no purpose and nothing to move toward it, it is like telling a child that he has to watch the news for the rest of his life no wonder it makes me think I want to end my life

I am growing out of my circumstances, out of my choices.. out of what I know to what I want to know 

and as long as the change is something inevitable because we actually moving in time the whole time so let's make the change count for something.. let's make the stress count for something, Let's try to grow instead of just changing..