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Change or Grow (2)

I meet one of my old friends we have not been talking for 2 years or something we talked for a while then he said you are a very successful person, and that's when the story started in my head because I didn't feel happy or grateful for this sentence if anything his words made me feel completely empty..  In fact, After pushing myself to think about it for a while I even cried not a tear or two like 1 hour of crying. I know the person and trust that he is saying what he truly believes so it is not about him, it is about me I simply don't believe that! I feel unstimulated and crave learning all the time and most of the time I feel unmotivated too. But why? I am working at a good company with a good team and pursuing my master's, I am even dancing and writing and exploring the world. what makes me think of myself as a person who is just here to die. for the last couple of years, I have been doing my job attending my therapy and letting my brain grow mentally, but I have no
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Change OR Grow (1)

 In one of my therapy sessions, I said I don't like change .. it makes me feel uncomfortable and overwhelmed like there are a million things I need to handle and I am overloaded.. later this sentence was what I think makes me a perfect candidate for group therapy that aims to help people regulate their emotions by being more mindful and present in the moment. But How are those related together? How can we relate people who don't like change to people who can not regulate their emotions? In my perspective that came just from experience living my life and that may be wrong so take it with caution, it might not be causation but there is a high correlation here.  From my experience, I did have two people fighting in my brain one of them said: I CAN NOT STAND CHANGE and the other replied I WANT TO GROW OUT OF HERE GROW MEANS CHANGE! and that's where my journey starts I used to hate to change because it makes me feel weak and unwise.. and when I feel these two I also feel ashamed
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Good girl Bad Girl perspective

I have been living in hell lately.. hell that I have to admit I don't like very much and that definitely declines my doubts that I may be lived in hell for so long that I am used to it and afraid to live a calm life. But going back to hell makes me realize that I don't like it even though I know it is probably one of the reasons why I created this blog in the first place, I made my mind a long time ago if I am choosing between becoming productive creative and miserable or unproductive and happy I will for sure go with the second choice I lived in hell for so many years to spend another minute there and productiveness means nothing if I put it in comparison with  being happy and live my life Of course, I am like any other human being I love being noticed love my products, and love my pieces or literally anything I make it makes me feel worthy and noticeable and it satisfies my ego that does not seem to get enough no matter what I gave him But at the end of the day, I learned to
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Living Another Year

  So, It is this time of the year when I write shit about myself .. I usually do it in a more in a happy mode but this year I am really sad writing this  But people need some tradition that makes them feel connected and my own tradition is to take a step back each year and give it a deep look  It helps me realize where I am standing from my goals, Am I living my life or just letting the days pass day after day not noticing that it is my life being wasted for nothing I seem like a very active person so it is hard to believe that I do that but I did that.. I spend years waiting for my life to end naturally not wanting to live it feeling like every decision I take is not mine and that I don’t own my own life Till I discovered I had tumors and death might be looking at me right now, making fun of my miserable defense mechanism of not living the way I want to and not getting attached so I don’t have to have any fights And when I realized what is happening I decided to make it different and
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