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Change or Grow (2)

I meet one of my old friends we have not been talking for 2 years or something we talked for a while then he said you are a very successful person, and that's when the story started in my head because I didn't feel happy or grateful for this sentence if anything his words made me feel completely empty..  In fact, After pushing myself to think about it for a while I even cried not a tear or two like 1 hour of crying. I know the person and trust that he is saying what he truly believes so it is not about him, it is about me I simply don't believe that! I feel unstimulated and crave learning all the time and most of the time I feel unmotivated too. But why? I am working at a good company with a good team and pursuing my master's, I am even dancing and writing and exploring the world. what makes me think of myself as a person who is just here to die. for the last couple of years, I have been doing my job attending my therapy and letting my brain grow mentally, but I have no...
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Change OR Grow (1)

 In one of my therapy sessions, I said I don't like change .. it makes me feel uncomfortable and overwhelmed like there are a million things I need to handle and I am overloaded.. later this sentence was what I think makes me a perfect candidate for group therapy that aims to help people regulate their emotions by being more mindful and present in the moment. But How are those related together? How can we relate people who don't like change to people who can not regulate their emotions? In my perspective that came just from experience living my life and that may be wrong so take it with caution, it might not be causation but there is a high correlation here.  From my experience, I did have two people fighting in my brain one of them said: I CAN NOT STAND CHANGE and the other replied I WANT TO GROW OUT OF HERE GROW MEANS CHANGE! and that's where my journey starts I used to hate to change because it makes me feel weak and unwise.. and when I feel these two I also feel ashamed...
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Good girl Bad Girl perspective

I’ve been living in hell lately. The kind of hell that makes me wonder if maybe I’ve been here so long, I got used to it — maybe even afraid of what a calm life would feel like. But going back to hell reminds me: no, I don’t like it here. Not even a little. And yes, this blog was probably born from my time here. But years ago, I made a decision: if I have to choose between being productive, creative, and miserable or unproductive and happy — I’ll take happy every single time. Productivity means nothing if it costs me my life. Of course, I’m human. I love being noticed, I love when people admire what I create. It feeds my ego — an ego that never seems full. But still, I learned to love myself more than I love that praise. When I was younger, I was good at all kinds of art. But I noticed my best work came from my worst moods. Violent mood swings, emotional chaos. And I thought: if success means being miserable, I’ll pass. I walked away from art as a career and made it a hobby instead...
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Living Another Year

It’s that time again. The time when I write stuff about myself. Usually, it’s lighter, even playful. But this year… it’s heavy. Sad. Still, traditions matter. They give us a thread to hold onto. Mine is simple: once a year, I step back and take a hard, honest look at my life. Am I actually living? Or am I just letting the days slide past, not realizing I’m wasting my own life? People think I’m active, driven — the kind who’s always moving forward. But the truth? I’ve spent years quietly waiting for my life to end. Not wanting to live it. Pretending I was “fine” while making decisions that didn’t feel like mine. Then, the tumors came. And suddenly death wasn’t some far-off idea — it was standing right there, laughing at my ridiculous defense mechanism of “not getting attached” so I wouldn’t have to fight for anything. That was my wake-up call. I decided things had to change. It took years. Years to finally start saying no to things I used to accept because, well… “I’m waiting for d...
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